Quitting, in a way

“It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points . . . where the doer of deeds could have done them better . . .
“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena . . . who errs, who comes short again and again—” 

Well, I’m no Teddy Roosevelt, the man who said these marvelous words. (Although I’ve practiced that facial expression, and scared my toddler.)

I’m just a middle-aged mom who’s skin is far too thin.
So I’m quitting.
In a way.

Life doesn't always want to be grabbed by the horns.

I’m not a person who does well with attention; praise, criticism—it all makes me exceptionally uncomfortable.
Especially criticism.

Yes, I’m overly sensitive (I don’t think that’s a particularly bad thing) and yes, I take things personally. So when I receive criticism—personal jabs about my writing, my editing (yes, it’s very, very hard to edit oneself—I admit it) and my personal views—I kind of break down.

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

I’m a wimp. While I’ve received a lot of wonderful and encouraging feedback on my book series, the few harsh comments cut me to the core and drain away my joy. That they appear on my screen where my books came to be—and that those barbs are sent to me directly via my blog and email—feels like a double gut punch.

I love writing. Well, at least, I used to.

I never claimed to be an “author”; that title connotes a sense of accomplishment.
I’m merely a drafter and dabbler. I wrote the books I wanted to read, and I fully acknowledge that others may not like them. There are a lot of popular books I’ve haven’t liked over the years, but it never occurred to me to directly bash those writers; I just accepted that I have different tastes than the authors, and let them be. (Especially if I got their books for free.)

I’ve read blogs on about how to deal with negative feedback, and all of them say to ignore it (easier said than done) or to realize it’s a criticism of my work, not me. But that’s never made sense to me: what I write is me. A stinging gibe stings me personally, not just my work. We are one and the same. I wished the compliments I’ve received could overwhelm the negativity, but I’m just not that mature yet, I guess. (I’ve heard that people get braver after 50; I hope that’s true.)

Even the most ambitious little pebble will never grow up to be a big rock.

I still love my books and my characters. They will continue on, but not on Amazon. Once my commitment with the Kindle program is over, I’m going to “de-publish” my books, probably in June. But I will still keep them available on my website, as free pdf downloads. I’ll rework books 1, 2, and 3, and I’ll finish book 4, as well as books 5, 6, 7, and 8, and release all of them here—quietly and safely—over the next few years.

Maybe someday I’ll find my bravery again and put my heart out there again on a stick for the fire squads. Maybe I’ll even find the funds for an editor, or even try to get my books published “for real.”The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.

But not right now. Financial needs also require me to stop pretending that I can make any money as a writer, and find instead more practical ways to pay a few bills. I’ll continue drafting and revising on the side, and I’ll post here about future releases.

In the meantime, forgive me for not being as brave as Perrin, or as outspoken as Mahrree, or as daring as Teddy Roosevelt:

“ . . . there is no effort without error and shortcoming . . . and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails greatly.”

Who wants to fail?
And greatly?
And publicly?
I ain’t no Teddy Roosevelt, so I’m going to go into hiding now. (Thanks to despair.com for the fantastic illustrations. Click on the images to order these posters.)

When your best just isn't good enough.

4 thoughts on “Quitting, in a way

  1. There are those in our society who seem to exist solely to hide behind an electronic screen and spread vitriol around the world. Internet trolls especially like to hit those who are trying to stand for truth, light, decency–In other words, “if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy” they seek after those things to destroy them.

    If they can totally silence you with hate, your observations will not be seen and heeded by a wide audience. Your books are not only a good read and entertaining, but also let people think and look around. I had chills go down my spine last week when I saw a news report that said recent research showed that parents helping children with homework were detrimental to the success of the children. Yep. It’s here.

    Please don’t let the bully trolls get you down. Oh, btw, Amazon recommended your books to me as possible purchases! So you see, you are getting more visibility and angering the trolls for telling home truths–

    I wish I could give you a hug–I know you need to do what is best for you and your family.

    Deb B

    Like

    • Thanks Debbie. I’m not quitting entirely–I just can’t do that. The characters won’t leave me alone!
      There were a few things I wanted to improve in the first book anyway, so I’ve decided to do that now. I’ll pull it, fix it up, and put it out there again . . . some time. Until I get a better book, I’m working on a thicker skin so I will be stronger next time around.

      Like

  2. Sorry it hurts so badly, Trish, and people are critics and turd merchants. You were making the world a better place by writing your works instead of smut. a quote that is y-o-u, ” … yet underneath it all was a beautiful serenity, a sense of being about God’s work.” (Elder Christofferson Oct 2013 GC)

    Like

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