bad writer

A Really Bad Book

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Following the notion someone once expressed to me that since it takes only about three days to read a book, it should take about that long to write one, I did.

Here is the result.

really bad book cover A really bad book BACK cover

Full of action, intrigue, aliens, a desperate princess, a lonely shoe repairer, and the obligatory wizard, there’s something for everyone, provided “everyone” isn’t too particular. 

Family-friendly and short enough to read in one sitting, even in the bathroom, this book will be perfect for those last-minute book reports. (Tell your teacher this is a legitimate book. Because I said it was.)

From start to finish, I created all of this in a 72-hour period: plot development, character names, formatting, cover creation–everything.

A word of warning: a semi-decent book takes a LOT longer than three days to write.

However, I was morbidly proud of what I created–I caught myself smiling every now and then–so I decided to publish it. (Actually, I never had so much fun writing something.)

It’s awful. Truly. I fully expect terrible reviews, and I’ll promote it later for free just to generate those affronted comments. (I’ll advertise the free days, so that you can be part of the mud slinging. Or if you want to spend $1.99 for the digital version, be my guest. It’s also available in paperback for $3.95. Would be a great joke gift for that book lover in your life. Hint-hint.)

Bad reviews ruin every writer’s day (week/life), but this time, I’ll revel in them. There’s no false advertising here, and people will know exactly what they’re getting when they read the title. Plus, it’s short–much faster to read than three days, with mistakes and typos because hey, when you write a Really Bad Book, you don’t employ beta readers.

A couple years ago I wanted to host a competition of people writing Really Bad Books in 72 hours. I did a little bit of advertising for it, but then time got in the way. (No, that’s not irony; that’s a blessing.) Some year I still may attempt to do that again. I’d love to see the drivel others come up with.

But for now, enjoy (so to speak).

(And I chose the pen name Ethyl Alkaleen, because I always thought Ethyl was the most unfortunate label for a human being. Anyone remember Ethyl Mertz? Way too close to Ethyl Mercer.)

Book 3 is coming! (And so is some other great stuff, but you have to read to the end to find out)

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Book 3: The Mansions of Idumea is in its final editing stages (meaning, I’m going through it when I’m not grading students’ essays, or taking children to lacrosse practice, or cleaning the toddler’s jello mess, or helping another child with homework . . .)

I’m hoping to release it by the end of April (yes, of this year, and that clarification is pointed to a wonderful but annoying friend; you know who you are, so don’t act all innocent).

Thanks so much for asking, for prodding, for rolling your eyes at me when I promise that it IS coming, but I want to get it as good as I possibly can, and that takes time.

You see, I’m a fast and sloppy writer; I actually have the entire 8-book series fully drafted and waiting in my computer, and I completed the saga in just over 14 months. 

But oh, is it messy!  “Fast and sloppy” also means “rather crappy.” I never claimed to be a good writer. But I am a decent editor, if not slow. And since I don’t notice issues on the first edit—or even on the thirtieth (and honestly, that’s about how many times I go through each book, cleaning it up, tweaking the language, improving the pacing, clarifying the dialogue, etc.) it takes me a bit of time to make it readable. And even then, once I have the paper copy in my hands, I find about a dozen minor proofreading errors that eluded me each pass. (That’s what revised editions are for, correct?)

Self-published authors don’t have the luxury of professional editors (well, they could if they shelled out the big bucks, which I don’t currently don’t have) so we rely on marvelous friends who are generous with their time and help go through our drafts.

And we also rely on understanding readers who embrace the story and overlook teeny tiny errors that they’re sure will be fixed on the next release.

For some more exciting news (aren’t you glad you read this far?) I’m currently turning Book One: The Forest at the Edge of the World into an audio book (and as I read it I circle those nagging typos to correct later this year). Once it’s ready, it’ll be available as FREE DOWNLOADS from podiocast.com.

So no, my friends, I haven’t been sitting around doing nothing since I released the first two books, and there’s still a great deal more to come!